‘He knelt down beside her and only then could she make out his face in the moonlight. His breath was warm against her neck and the sweet smell of jasmine hung in the air like perfume. He sighed softly and stroked his cheek down her temple.

She could feel the warmth of his body as it neared and a chill down her spine turned into a quiver. This was the moment she had dreamt of since she first saw him walk into her life in that little cafe down the street from the University. Now as she lay close to him listening to his breathing get faster and faster, she remembered the way he laughed when he spilt his cappuccino down the front of his shirt. As his fingers lowly but expertly unbuttoned her shirt to reveal her now heaving breasts, her apprehension gave way to his gentle yet confident lips. First-time fears melted as her body trembled with moist expectation. His hand traced a tingling trail of ecstasy across her thighs and she gasped as they surrendered to each other’s passion …’

Now if you believe this romance novel version of the first experience of intercourse, your own first experience might leave you with a few lingering doubts and a fair share of disappointment. For many people this might as well be a story from another planet.

In the real world, things are usually very different. If you ask people to describe their reactions to their first experience of intercourse … their technical ‘loss of virginity’ … you discover a range of emotions from fear, guilt, regret and disappointment to relief, elation, and pride. These reactions may well determine how you feel about sex for many years to come.

One woman in her sixties told me, ‘I think the honeymoon for us was grossly oversold. I remember it as the worst week of my entire life. I kept wondering what on earth I had let myself in for. I didn’t even know there was a thing called an erection! That was quite an unpleasant shock I can tell you. The only sex education I had at home was when my mother shyly handed me a book and said, “If you have any questions, ask your aunt.” My husband and I went along to a church-organised “Married Love” course. To go along, you had to either produce a marriage certificate or a signed affidavit from a clergyman that you were booked to be married within the next six weeks. If you wanted to know about contraception, they sent you along to a doctor they recommended but you weren’t allowed to make an appointment until three weeks before the wedding date. A few friends of mine at the time were sexually active, but they didn’t know anything about contraception. If they accidentally fell pregnant they just got married in a hurry … it didn’t seem to matter whether they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with each other or not. Or else they got shipped off to relatives in the country until they had the baby and had it adopted out. It was never openly discussed.’

There is little doubt that the partner you choose and the circumstances make a big difference to the experience. ‘I was a virgin until I was twenty-eight,’ said Susan. ‘I had had lots of boyfriends. I got on really well with all of them, I was even engaged once, but I never felt any sexual attraction for any of them. For a while I thought I must be a lesbian, but I wasn’t aware of any attraction to other women. Well, one day I met John and all that changed. We had a fantastic physical and emotional attraction right from the start and he’s the one I married.’

While some people describe their first intercourse as a pleasant experience, there are many who say the first time is downright unpleasant. Beth recalls, ‘I couldn’t believe how painful it was. I had no idea that it might hurt. I knew very little about sex at all and so I was incredibly nervous. I suppose that made matters worse. Because the first time was so painful it took me months and months before I could relax. I reckon it took years before I could say I really enjoyed it.’
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Worldwide, a significant proportion of young people become sexually active before the age of sixteen, and many will have more than one sexual partner in any twelve month period. Young people under twenty-one have one of the highest incidence rates of abnormal Pap smears related to wart virus infection, and it is this virus that has been shown to be associated with cancer of the cervix. According to (Australian) Federal Department of Health statistics, one in four girls between fifteen and nineteen will get pregnant, and of these, almost half will have an abortion. To quote a recent medical journal correspondent, ‘something that delights nobody with an IQ above room temperature.’

So what’s the answer to all of this? Certainly a communal ostrich response is not the way to go. Waving placards to stop wicked condom pushers is simplistic in the extreme. Mounting organized campaigns to scare off advertizers that support sex education programs on television is blackmail by any other name. The only weapon we have is enlightenment, knowledge, awareness. If young people understand more about the nature of sexual relationships, know what sex is about and are aware of the risks, they are in a better position to make responsible decisions. They need to know that their judgment will be impaired by just a couple of drinks. They need to be aware that unprotected intercourse, just once, can cause a pregnancy. They need to be able to talk without fear about their close relationships, so that they can understand what it means to be ready for a sexual relationship.

Parents and specially trained teachers are vital sources of this sort of advice. The more they know, the more relevant they will be as advisers. One of the best ways to cut off communication with a young person (or any person for that matter) is to tell them that they are ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. It is much more effective to try to look at what’s behind a thought or an action, to help them weigh up its importance, and to guide them to find their own solutions. Questions like ‘How did you feel when he did that?’ and ‘Why do you think she told you that?’ leave the conversation open, and encourage the other person to practise independent problem-solving skills.

Nobody expects a parent or a teacher to have all the answers. Knowing how to say ‘I don’t know but I know where to help you find out’ is as valuable as having the knowledge at your fingertips. Showing a willingness to listen, an appreciation for differences of opinion, and an attitude of caring without stifling will go a long way. Young people have a natural curiosity about sex that will make sure the questions keep coming. The way those questions are answered will determine how they cope with their future relationships.
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